The Return of Ellis Wanderly?

Merry Christmas from The Present

Masquerade

"The Most Patriotic Show on TV", My Ass

What's next? "Hell's Angels Do Toys For Tots" billed as "The Greatest Show On Earth"? Wake up, world. Time is running out.

Merry Christmas From Ted's Past

Back That Thing Up!

Earlier today I read this unbelievable online news story about a United Nations proposal, strongly supported by France, that would grant "nonmember observer status" to The Palestinian Authority? What the ...? Hold the phone. I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up!

France, Russia and China want the U.N. to give The Palestinian Authority "nonmember observer status", do they? Oooh, I'm all a-quiver. OK, how about giving my local Water Authority "nonmember observer status"? They need water input at the U.N., don't they?

Hey, I'm not a member of Congress, either, but I want to sit in on all the House activities and watch. Why not? Tit for tat. The United Nations is a diplomatic body of "nations". The Palestinian Authority is not a nation. What's next? Giving Hamas and Fatas and hell, why not, Amsterdam's Red Light District, U.N. "nonmember observer status" as well, for their up-close-and-personal world perspectives?

And while we're at it, the girl at the local Burger King drive-thru wants her fair share of U.N. sit-down time, too. Give it her. And, hey, my neighbor's dog, Phydough, has always loved international dog food so... and so on and so forth. Hell, why dontcha exhume the bodies of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden and give them a special U.N. hot seat, too? Damn, I need a shot and a beer and then an aisle seat in the U.N. like I need another hole in the head but why not? Why the hell not?

Giveitome.

Editor's Note October 28, 2013: All written blog posts by Michael Casher are Copyright © Michael Casher. All rights reserved. Most of the textual blog post content by Michael Casher will eventually be available in printed book form and Kindle ebooks, whether or not Michael Casher is alive at the time. That's our plan. Thank you.

Cyber Monday, My Ass

Why don't you ad rats just call it what it really is? Black Friday + 3. Some people might get the wrong impression and think that "Cyber Monday" is some new kind of way to get all community oriented and quiver all over from the sheer touchy-feeliness of the whole thing. Since 2005 a lot of people have been fooled into thinking that they're going to "reach out and touch" others online, just like the old Bell Telephone gimmick from the 20th Century. Reach out and touch, my ass. The only thing good about Cyber Monday is that when people shop in droves online they don't stampede and trample other shoppers or store employees to death. So, at least there's that.

That's right, Cyber Monday, my ass. What it is, you dumb asses, is just another way for suckers like you to empty your wallets and your bank accounts and to max out your credit cards in order to buy shit online that you probably don't need and only want because you think it's such a bargain. Man, did they ever see you suckers coming. "Never give a sucker an even break because there's one born every minute nanosecond." That's their motto.

It's None of Your "Bidness"

Yeah, yeah. Here I am again — and twice in one month, now, mind you — pissin' and moanin' about something that's only "my bidness" today because it's never "your bidness" at any time. Not ever. What am I talking about? Whaddaya think I'm yappin' about? I'm trying to impress upon a hopelessly screwed-up American population that the private lives of other people are none of your goddamn business. Especially the legal sex lives of others, no matter who they are. That stuff is none of your business. You only think it is.

I can't believe everybody's all up in arms about David Petreaus having an affair with his biographer. What the hell do you people care about that shit for? If the head of the CIA puts his tallywhacker where it doesn't belong or where you think it doesn't belong, what the hell is that to you? What he does with his thing-a-ma-jig is his own "bidness". And none of yours. You sick-ass snoops. That goes for newspeople and newshounds alike. People like you turn everything in life into a low-life soap. You don't think it's news unless it's dirty.

And, for the love of Mike, why in God's name should that be any reason for David Petreaus to resign his post as CIA Director? Shouldn't he have resigned his position because he was a CIA clown who had no clue what to do in the Middle East? Huh? I'm serious. Because of our stupid, clueless "spook boss" and an equally clueless Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, our U.S. Embassy in Tripoli Benghazi, Libya (Are you paying attention now?) is now a big pile of ashes. That's why people resign or get fired. For fucking up. Not for playing in-and-out on their own time, no matter who's on the giving or receiving end.

By the way, what the hell is Hillary Rodham Clinton still doing in office? Fire her and give her job to someone else. Hell, Madeline Allbright could have done a better job in the Middle East. As a matter of fact, she did do a better job. Hell, all Henry Kissinger ever did was blab and party but no one ever blew up a U.S. Emabassy when he was partying and blabbing as Secretary of State.  And nobody ever made a big deal about what Henry did with his goddamn tallywhacker. But I digress.

And just because you voted for some guy doesn't entitle you to peek at his dirty laundry, either. If he can't watch his personal Ps and Qs, that's one thing, but for you slimeballs to make national and even international headlines out of it is not only a downright dirty rotten shame, it tells the world where your heads are at. When your heads aren't up your own asses admiring the view you're more than willing to stick it up somebody else's ass where the view is a lot more interesting for shit eaters like you. A gross analogy, is it? You bet it is. The only thing that'll pull a dirty mind above its pinhead is the sound of an interesting dirty word. Here's a few more for you: sticking your filthy-minded noses where they don't belong only makes the people you're pointing your arrogant fingers at look like victims compared to pricks and bitches like you. You, you, you dirty perpetrating poop snoopers. Now look what you made me say.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt had a mistress and yet he was one of the most popular leaders this country ever had. Jack Kennedy's love life had a revolving door on it but he was the most visionary president this country ever had or is likely to ever have again. Martin Luther King fooled around and yet most of his followers never complained that his "indiscretions" diminished or impaired his bold vision of an America that worked together for the common good. Bill Clinton made a fool out of himself right in the Oval Office but he only disgraced it when a certain little gold-digging bimbo capitalized on it and American rag-readers wolfed that shit down by the bucketfuls like it was manna from Heaven.

That's right, you snooping, soap-loving, dirty-minded "citizens" had a very capable president impeached — a guy that many of you even voted for — simply because you found out that he did something very personal that you didn't like. Which makes all of you about the biggest bunch of sorry-ass rednecks in the world. If it's not what you like then you lash out like a big lynch mob, not caring who you hurt or about the damage you do in the process. Hell, it's even been rumored that Abraham Lincoln had a mistress when he was president and, you know what, I don't even want to know about it. He could have had ten of them for all I cared. His private affairs were none of my business. Just his public ones.

So, just to get your flagging attention once again, I'll spice up my closing remarks. Who cares if some elected official or any military officer or any guy on any taxpayer payroll anywhere checks into a no-tell motel after hours with another woman on his arm? Who gives a shit if some army general ten thousand miles from home gets real up close and personal with some admiring female? What's it to ya? Why should you get your panties or your shorts in a big twist if some guy you voted for (or didn't vote for) bends some gal over a desk when nobody's looking? She's not your gal. He's not your guy. It's not your desk. It's not your tallywhacker. That's the whole point. Nobody was there but them. It's all about them and their shit. It's not about you and your shit. Therefore, it's their business and none of yours. 

Am I saying that I approve of marital infidelity? Of course I don't. But that's not the point. The point is that I never make other people's marital fidelity or infidelity my business because I have no business doing that. And, to tell you the truth I don't even think about things like that. I've got other fish to fry and always did. Like minding my own business. So, I may not watch my Ps and Qs around here (and you were warned about that far in advance) but one thing I can be proud of is the fact that I don't get all pissed and PO'd at public figures or all hot and bothered, either, when those sorry-ass excuses for newsmen and newswomen mentally masturbate over their soaring ratings because shitheads like you discovered a new, sick kind of personal gratification. Peeking, prying and pointing. And none of it was any of your "bidness" in the first place.

Ted's Note 11-29-12: I updated the last two paragraph today to "drive my point home", if you will. And yeah, I see that the URL for this post still says "none-of-you-bidness" instead of "none-of-your-bidness" and it wasn't deliberate at all. In my haste to straighten out a few asses I accidentally left the "r" off the word "your" in the post title and Blogger carved that first URL in stone. Shit. Looks dumb as hell but, no, I'm not re-posting it, even though I could. Also, I used the improper word "bidness" in place of "business" because I knew at least a half dozen people in my life who talked like that and most of them did it just for fun. Like me. OK, then, just so you know.

Colorful Comic Relief With George Carlin

A Message From Ticked Off Ted

Pussy Politics Psuck

You bet I'm back. But not on a regular basis. I've got better things to do than piss and moan about shit that nobody gives a shit about. Like America being a country where American citizens come first. Before pathetic losers who come here to steal American jobs and not pay taxes when they get paid by their cheapskate, candyass American bosses who are too fucking cheap to hire real Americans (American citizens) and who have little or no regard for the welfare of the sorry-ass losers who sneaked into this country. What a low-life symbiotic relationship.

Thats right, America is for Americans. Not for foreigners who crawled into The United States like snakes or who agreed to visit here or to work here temporarily or to go to school here and then who went back on their word because they really have no respect for America or Americans in the first place. People like these hate us. But they love our stuff. They wouldn't think of doing the right thing. Except for kissing our President's Benedict Arnold ass for favors down the road. They wouldn't think of doing the right thing. And neither would he. Barack Obama doesn't even care if you're an American citizen or not when it comes to voting. What insane bullshit. Only U.S. citizens should get to vote In U.S. elections. I don't care how goddamn long you've been living here. If want to vote in American elections, become an American citizen and maintain your ID cards. The rest of us do.

The right thing. Become American citizens or take a fucking hike. We're not saying we don't want you here. We're saying if you want to be one of us, play by the goddamn rules. Then we'll make sure the rest of us do. We'd owe you that much for wanting to become one of us. Mitt Romney will help see to that if he gets to be president. I'll vouch for that. The governor of Arizona will vouch for that. On the other hand, Barack Obama will keep kissing your pathetic asses and he'll keep holding your hands and singing "We Are The World" with you as long as it's in his best interest. His best interest? Playing Santa Claus to a loser American nation that is rapidly becoming "a nanny state". One day you'll make him King. And then America will be history.

Nanny State. Christ. That's what the Soviet Union was. That's what Cuba is. That's that's what North Korea and China are. Nanny States. Countries where the government owns you because your sorry asses were up for sale. Up for sale. Yep, you put yourselves on the auction block every time you refuse to stand on your own two feet or to pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps when things get dicey and you lose your shirt. That's what life is all about. The struggle to live.

So, Barack Obama isn't Santa Claus or God or Mr. Fix It and Mitt Romney isn't The Dreaded White Devil, either (you goddamn pussy racists). Hell, no man or woman can "fix" the economy on their own. That's our job. You know how it works. You know the drill. Do it and stop whining and crying and bitching about it. If there is a God (and, by Christ, I certainly hope there isn't, because if there is a God, that son-of-a-bitch has a lot of goddamn explaining to do) but, if there is a God, I'd bet a hundred bucks that he or she or it wouldn't want a bunch of cowardly, sniveling pussies to have to deal with all the time. A bunch of layabouts who think they're entitled to "the good life" simply because they walk on American soil. Nobody's that fucking important. So, get over it. Become an American citizen and then act like one. Get a job. Learn to speak English. Get out and vote. You'll thank me later.      

Politicadilly Circus

V.P. Dogfight Best Show in Town

Ye Old Hair Clubber For Men vs. Li'l JFK Best Dogfight since Battle of Britain

World War 3.4

Time To Stop The Joy Ride

"Hey, girls, ain't this a bitchin' ride?"

Decadence: Our Second Biggest Enemy

Just what we need. Another filthy piece-a-shit TV show about Las Vegas.

Religion: Our Biggest Enemy

World War III

Muslim World Declares War on America

Sam Shithead

Hollywood Bill Leads DNC Riot

Bill Clinton whips North Carolina mob into hateful frenzy.

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Click on Clint Eastwood for the L.A. Times News Story

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Watch the Video Here

"Give 'em hell, Harry."

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Stupidity: The Number One Killer

Who in the HELL would sell this guy a gun?

Unlikely Heroes Book Two

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Ted TV

The Ticked Off Ted Page
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In Your Face

Author's Note 04-07-14: The whole point of this video post is that nobody likes somebody "being in your face" and being proud of it, on top of that. And yet people on TV are "in your face" each and every day of your lives, especially people on cable news and on the Internet, with hidden agendas designed to titillate, frighten and scare you into being what they want you to be. A case in point is Google, which owns Blogger. Google is in my face, everyday, pulling all kinds of techno tricks in order to prevent me from reaching you. This is my last day online with my Windows XP personal computer. I actually got online with my Android mini laptop but I couldn't add this note to this post with it. While I typed, words started going into the address bar, then popup windows came up asking me if I wanted to do this or that. Then words started going in fron of the video. So, fuck you Goolge, I know who and what you are and why. But you'll never keep me out of the global arena. Not now and not ever. I'll be in your face, right back at you. And you started it.

Cut!

"That's enough of that shit."

I once heard that when Clint Eastwood is directing a movie, he has a unique way of telling everybody when a scene is over. I like his style so I'm quoting him here. And, yep, you bet, this scene is over. The one where I blog on a regular basis because I think people are giving a shit about making a better world for all of us. So much for that pipe dream.

The only people who ever came here were mostly SEO software hawkers, Russian ad dogs and shit-eating adf.ly spammers, after finding out how to make those deceptive "tiny urls" (illegal redirect links that won't break) to insert into their email spam and phishing scams. Fuck them.

These "Internet tape worms" didn't read shit here. They just looked me up and down, ran a quickie stat feeler gauge between my blog's images and the text content, and then skedaddled like a bunch of plundering pirates. Septic web worms. Dark-ass souls like yours have guaranteed that no Earthling will ever walk on the surface of another planet.

Well, that's enough of that shit.

Secret Service Tip

"That's the concept. Hey, check this out."

Shit Mail

The following is a "public service announcement" from Ted O'Hooey. That's right, public service. At this stage of his ornery life, nothing less could get him to endure the agony of facing a web cam again. So, if you don't like the idea of a pissin' and moanin' public service announcement, then take your mouse and hit the road. It's no skin off our asses.

You Said It

It's To Laugh

Jumpin' Jeezus, whatever happened to free speech in America? Free speech was intended for all American citizens, not just a select few whiners who have a bug up their asses 24/7. Losers who expect everyone else to listen to their pathetic complaints about life in general and then the listeners are supposed to just be quiet and then later listen to more of this whining, crying shit? Hey, wake up America! That's not freedom of speech. That's a whiner's and a loser's paradise. America wasn't founded by a bunch of whiners and losers.

A case in point is all the ridiculous hubbub about conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh and the whining public's demand that he apologize to Sandra Fluke for insulting her on the air because she wants to testify at a Congressional hearing supporting an Obama Administration policy that requires religion-affiliated institutions to provide health care coverage for their employees that covers birth control. Wow. You gotta run that shit through your head several times before it gels.

OK, so what does all this have to do with Georgetown University student Sandra Fluke? Is she also an employee? And, I'm sorry, but Rush Limbaugh — offensive prick that he is — is right. Why should any tax dollars ever be used to support any kind of sexual activity in the private sector? Or any other sector, for that matter. That's right. Buy your own birth control pills. Get your own rubbers. Or, better yet, try celibacy. It'll save us all a lot of fucking money and a lot of whining-ass heartache in the long run.

So, when Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a "slut" and a "prostitute" for being "paid" to have sex (by using tax dollars to fund her health coverage that included coverage for birth control) and then suggested that she post videos of herself making whoopee online so that American taxpayers can get something for their money, he was being flippant. It was an ugly but very poignant joke. Sure he was being caustic, sarcastic, mean-spirited and nasty. You bet. Just about as gross and mean as you can get. That's what the conservative Republican whiner Rush Limbaugh does best.

But, hey, guess what? You dumb fucks got the message, didn't you? Too bad you had to hear it from an over-indulged whiner like Rush Limbaugh. Why were you liberal freaks listening to a conservative talk show anyway? Huh? Well, let me guess. You were looking for more excuses to whine and cry. More ammo to support you life as a goddamn, pathetic whiner. You sorry losers. You self-inflict yourselves with loser losses.

But don't think you're alone. That's what Rush Limbaugh is. He's a Republican hardliner — and a major whiner — with a great big bug up his ass about anything and everyone that isn't in line with his views on life. If anyone out there is spending any goddamn tax dollars anywhere, he thinks it's coming directly out of his own goddamn pocket. Arrogant prick. A redneck? You bet he is. But, hey, I'm not going to sit here and type out a bunch of bad words about a radio entertainer so you can use them to attack him, with my support. Get your own bad words about Rush Limbaugh. And, as far as Sandra Fluke goes, you can get your own bad words about her, too. Rush did.

And, oh yes, you bet, President Obama — always the political opportunist — is busy making those supportive "We Are The World" phone calls for the press to dog and he's getting all those wonderful accolades from the liberal-ass press and lots and lots of Facebook Wall time from cryin' American whiners and a shitload of liberal, whining-ass Tweets. Hell, yes. This guy saw the handwriting on the wall in a nanosecond and it said, "Man, these sorry-ass, whining suckers walked right into it. Right into it. And now their sorry, whining-and-crying liberal-ass votes are mine."

You know what? It's to laugh.

Ellis Wanderly: The Lost Video

A week ago I made a video with my cowboy wannabe cousin, Tic Tickedofferson, and it "went south" almost immediately because he was so mean and nasty. Tic said it "went south" because I was so mean and nasty. So, I posted the damn thing anyway so viewers (if there were any) could make up their own minds about it.

Hell, I was so sure that the video with Tic was ruined because of him and not me that I invited an old high-school chum of mine, Ellison Ian Wanderly, to do a short video about extraterrestrials. My little "studio" was still a mess after Tic had wrecked it a week earlier with his big beer belly but most of the equipment was still in good enough shape to video Ellis Wanderly, whose high-pitched, squeaky voice wouldn't sound all that different on the broken, tinnny mike Tic Tickedofferson left in his wake.

When the video with Ellis started "going south" he naturally blamed it on me and then proceeded to show me what an old egghead beekeeper from California's Santa Barbara County can do when he's pushed too far. I was impressed. Damn, I had no idea. Anyway, this "lost video" is my tribute to Ellis Ian Wanderly, the beekeeper you never want to mess with.

Tic Tickedofferson

Author's Notice 10-18-13: Hey, Blogger or Google, (what's the difference?), you can go screw yourself for cutting my videos in half, for dumping them, for making me re-upload them every year or so, just because they're not the kind of sick, twisted, crap that disrespects and devalues human life. That's what you have YouTube for. So, keep your paws off my video posts. And you know goddamn well you can't watch this video on YouTube because I never put it there. You re-directing sonzabitches. Go cornhole yourselves.

Ted On Fire

Eating Dogshit in America

Hats off t0 McDonald's for having the courage to make a bold statement about the dangers of petting a stray pit bull (or any fucking pit bull for that matter). And fuck you pit bull lovers who think you assholes and your stupid carnivore pets are immune from criticism. People, like me, who think freedom should include the right to be safe from dogs in public have a right to our dissent, too. Pit bull owner outrage? I couldn't believe my fucking eyes! You pathetic assholes. Your dogs are a menace to society and you goddamn well know it.

So, you're outraged, are you? Fuck you. The real outrage is that America would be a lot safer without dangerous domestic carnivores in our fucking faces. You fucking pussies. Maybe you'll sue McDonald's for a million bucks just like that stupid old hag did back in the 1980s after she spilled a cup of coffee on herself at McDonald's and then blamed McDonald's for not warning her that the coffee was hot. Stupid bitch. I hope that gold-digging hag got run over by a fucking bus.

I'm serious. I've had it with you goddamn fucking people. Who in the fuck do you think you are? Jesus Christ, there's a goddamn whining-ass support group for every disaffected asswipe on this goddamn fucking planet and now people who own the ugliest, meanest, most dangerous dogs on the goddamn planet want us to kiss their fucking asses. Well, fuck you. When your fucking dogs bite people you both should be euthanized.

Just last week a 61-year-old Chicago man was attacked by three pit bulls as he jogged through a park. Now he only has one foot to face retirement with. Yeah, the fucking dogs had his foot for lunch while he lay there, helpless, enduring this stupid, hideous, horrifying, painful, agonizing unnecessary shit. Where was the fucking pit bull owner? You cryin'-ass piece of dog shit. If I ran this fucking planet you'd all be extinct.

Hooray for McDonald's! America is all about freedom of speech and that includes freedom of speech for everyone, not just a select few. So, hey, don't apologize anymore to these namby-pamby pit bull fuckheads. Let these stupid "me-first" bastards eat at Burger King, where they can have it "their way".

Pissin' and Moanin' For You

Ads Blow

It's been a while since any shit out there got me to the point where I'd bother to piss and moan about it on the Web. No, I'm not getting more tolerant about all the unnecessary shit in our lives, I've just been busy, that's all. That's right, I've usually got other fish to fry that are more important than pissin' and moanin' about something that only a handful of people will give a shit about.

But I finally got done fryin' those other fish for the time being and, hell, they're not very important, either. You know, things like getting the mail and going to the store and soaking your feet and taking out the garbage and shit like that. They might not sound very important but they're a lot higher on my to-do list than pissin' and moanin' about really important stuff that most people would only consider trivial.

That's right. Those big buckets of shit that most of you eat every fucking day are being eaten by you because you see everybody else eating them and you simply don't want to be left out. So, this blog post about "annoying ads" is not for you fuckers. You love ads. You love the shit they sell you. You watch an ad for something you don't need and don't really want and can't even afford and then you push and shove and knock heads and whine and cry until you get it. Because you think everybody else has it and got it first. Before you did. So, go away. Take a fucking hike. Turn on the boob tube, why don'tcha, and see what new shit they've come up with to pick your brains and your pockets.

You got it, this post isn't for you dumb fucks. It's for the hundred or maybe two hundred people in the entire world who can actually think for themselves and who, therefore, haven't eaten a single bucket of shit in their entire lives because, being smart people and independent thinkers, they know that, not only does shit not taste good, it's no goddamn good for you. Hell, this post might even annoy you because, Christ, you already know this shit and here I am boring you to death with it. Which makes you folks "my kind of people". But that's all right. It's worth the risk. Yep. I'll take a sock on the jib once in a while if it's for a good cause. Like awareness.

So, eating shit by the bucketful is not necessary, you see. And neither is being forced to endure ads, ads, ads, everyfuckingwhere you go just to get through a goddamn day. I mean, if you want to watch a news video on the Web and it starts out with a fucking ad, dump it. Fuck those asswipes. There are still plenty of online news sites and even famous newspapers that won't shove an ad down your throat just so you can see what's happening in the world. Ads are a fucking option. Even on TV. That's what recording devices are for. Record your favorite shows and watch them later. And fast-forward through those dip shit ads with all those dip shit people in them trying to sell you dip shit products and services that only a dip shit would want.

And there are enough fucking sidebar ads on Internet websites that you can click on if you fucking feel like it that you don't have to swallow a big gulp of shit you're not interested in just so you can hear what the President recently said or which team won last night or what some Hollywood shithead just did to get some more fucking attention. Christ Almighty, the ads on TV are bad enough without wading through them on the fucking Internet. These days, you almost need waders, not just boots, to waddle through the streams of shit that are "in your fucking face" before you even get to see a fucking glint of anything that might be even remotely newsworthy.

So, yeah, ads blow. And they blow big time. But you can minimize that shit by reading most of your online news, instead of waiting for the fucking ad to play out so you can wait for the rest of the fucking news video to load while you watch all those fucking Flash ads light up your computer screen like a fucking pinball machine. Yeah, it's really these animated ads and those asinine little video screens that slow down, freeze and even crash your browser.

Just imagine these advertisers being so fucking stupid they don't realize that they can't sell you shit if your PC is on the blink because its virtual memory has been high-jacked by RAM-robbing Flash ads. By greedy-ass dumb fucks who don't give a shit about you or your computer. They just want your money. And, hey, if my browser crashes or freezes — or even slows down — because of some dumb-fuck Flash ad, I'll make it my goal in life to never buy those advertisers' products or services again. So, if you fuck with my computer, you fuck with me. You stupid shitheads.

That's right, folks. You got it. If you're eating online ad shit and not liking it, it's your own goddamn fault. So, don't whine and cry to me about it. I took the time to piss and moan to you about it first. So there you go.