Chicken Little Countdown

Lousy London Catches L. A. Fever

I once entertained the notion of traveling to England and visiting London, for starters. I thought I'd like to see Buckingham Palace and watch Big Ben strike noon on the Parliament Building. I wanted to sip dark beer in a real English pub and throw darts and laugh and pal around with some interesting blokes. I wanted to ogle some English birds who looked like they belonged on the old Benny Hill TV show. I wanted to eat fish and chips. I thought it would be exhilarating to see Piccadilly Circus and Trafalgar Square and gaze upon the Statue of Lord Nelson. I wanted to see Abbey Road without The Beatles on it.

But not now. No, I'd rather go to Paris and be insulted by a bell hop who hates me because I'm an American. I'd rather have soup spilled on me in Sarajevo because they don't like my accent . Yeah, I'd rather do those things than risk my life in London because English youths like to make their problems everyone's problem. Jumpin' Jesus, I'd rather go to Cleveland on a dog day afternoon and watch the Indians lose to Tampa Bay and I'd rather have a fucking pigeon shit on me than do that.

You bet. In the wake of the recent riots in the London area, I've lost all my desire to not only see London but to see the U.K. period. I'd rather go to Vladivostok and take a slow boat to China. I'd rather ride a rickshaw in downtown Bangkok. Hell, I'd rather pull a fucking rickshaw in downtown Bangkok than be found dead in a car in downtown London because some young asswipe with shit for brains is too fucking lazy to contact his representative in the House Of Commons over his goddamn beef with the British government.

I'd rather be robbed in Tijuana where you fucking expect to be robbed than be waylaid by marauding London youths because they're too fucking lazy to vote or campaign for their particular causes. Or because they're just to goddam mean to be alive. I'd rather eat Baklava in Athens while trying not to be kidnaped before I'd watch hooded Cockney punks kick in shop doors and steal TV sets because they don't like this or that or anything else.

Hell, I'd just rather stay home. When rioters try to take over a city here in the States, we club the fuckers, arrest them and sometimes even shoot them. It's what they fucking deserve.