Hey, Snoop THAT!

OK, Ted Ted,

Well, I know I don't know nothin' but I still think they're Chinee. The aliens, I mean. They're all Chinee, just messin' with us. Hell, I got nothin' against the Chinee. I like Chinee food and firecrackers and tea and all that. So, there you go. Are we done yet?

Ronnie 3 Ronnie

Hey, Snoop THIS!

Hey Ronnie, you dumb ol' beef-eatin' redneck prick,

Hey, bud! Yeah, I just found out that those big-ass lizards that really dumb-ass people are calling the Illuminati hate people but that they use us for food. Christ, what shit. Hey, Ronnie, the last time you ate a piece of fried chicken did you remind yourself how much you hate those little two-legged fuckers? Of course you didn't. That's the fucking point. But, hey, all this Reptilian shit is enough to make me go vegetarian. As a matter of fact, I'd have gone vegetarian a long time ago but we big-ass two-leggeds seem to need animal protein in order to survive. Unless you're a 90-pound bolemic coed who really gets off being skinny. I like my women a lot older (like 30 years older) and with some goddamn meat on them. Oh, Christ, here we go again. Being obsessed with meat. Shit, now I'm getting off the track again. You know me.

First of all, let's forget about those fucking little Benedict Arnold pricks Ed Snowden and Brad Manning. They "made their own beds" so "let them lie in them". I love cliches. You can use them when you don't feel like thinking and it's perfectly OK. Fuck, yes. Everybody's doing it. And I've already tossed that George Zimmerman-Trayvon Martin TV ratings deal out the fucking window and into the street where nasty racist shit belongs It doesn't even belong there but those fuckers aren't going to give up hating. Not for all the money in the world. That racial trump card crap actually belongs in the gutter, where the hateful dregs of humanity like to prowl. Fuck that shit. I've got a life to live. Not much of a life, but a life nevertheless. And so do you. And so do they. But they'e not interested in living unless they can fuck with other people. Like that shit is free. Dumb fucks. But, Christ in a can, here I go getting off the fucking track again.

Oh, yeah, check out the Reptilian shit on YouTube. Jesus, what creepy shit. There sure are a lot of people in this world who like to wallow in gross shit. Reptile people who eat our kids. Jesus. And how 'bout that fucking Pleiadian shit, huh? Worse than the Gray shit (those fuckheads spell it Grey like they were all from Limey-ass Land or something). What the fuck do Limeys know about anything? They can't even speak English without looking and sounding like somebody's using a cattle prod on them and making them talk. They hate to move their goddamn lips, especially that stiff upper one, but those fuckers love to tell us how it is. Don't they, now?

But, hey Ronnie, we free-willed Earthlings don't have to worry about a goddamn thing because we'll be saved by the fucking Andromedans. Jesus God. I'm so fucking relieved and enraptured it makes me want to run around town buck naked throwing rose petals at everyone while singing "We Are The World". Yeah, those 4D fuckheads are pretending to be higher-level beings who have the right to offer us 3D peons two choices in the near future. Stay here or go with them. What kind of fucking free will has only two fucking choices? Huh? What fucking shit. Christ, I'll tell ya, Ronnie, there are more fucking liars on YouTube then there are on TV. I swear to Christ. Can you believe that malarkey? But, hey, that reminds me. We've been lied to way before YouTube even existed. That ol' lying Yankee Benedict Arnold, Stevie Spielberg, will have his fucking judgment day somewhere out there, won't he, now? DO-DEE-DO-DEE-DAAAAAA! Jesus, what fucking crap.

And, yeah, check out that Peggy Kane, that so-called Pleiadian spirit guide trapped in that dumpy Earth woman body. What a ruse. I think that cow gives sour milk, if you get my drift. Nobody but us knows that she's nothing but a Reptilian shill. Hell, yes. She makes all those YouTube viewers scared as shit and then the Reptilains feed off their fearful fucking emotions. What a fucking set up! Yeah, she cooks her fellow men and women and serves them up at a ripe 98.6 degrees. Her reward is getting lots and lots of undeserved attention. Like any other psycho bitch. Psychic, my ass. But, hey, you can't beat a parlay like that if you really hate people and are a whiz at pretending you love them instead. What a fucking racket. I hate liars. That's right, Harry, that means little redneck rats like you who steal $75 worth of crushed aluminum cans out of my garage instead of recycling them, like we agreed upon, for HALF the money, not all of it. It took me two fucking years to crush and bag those cans and exactly one fucking minute for a worthless little piece of human shit like you to rip me off. And then you think you're going to knock on my door in the fall so you can come in to my house to drink whiskey in my basement and pretend to clean my furnace? BETTER THINK AGAIN, you salamander fuck. Hell, these fucking goddamn liars are our biggest global-threat problem, not the fucking aliens. I'll bet there aren't too many motherships that can withstand an ICBM barrage. If we can just get Russia and China to aim at them instead of us, we'll have that lyin'-ass alien shit cleaned up in no time.

And, oh yeah, I still avoid The Hallmark Channel like the fucking plague. Always have. Every fucking holiday there's some goddamn family tragedy. Christ I hate being sad at holiday time. What the fuck? You know, like the sorry sad sacks Santa forgets and broken homes and Moms out on their own. Families that cry and hug and cry some more. Jesus Christ. That sorry sad shit doesn't help anybody. In fact, it feeds the dark side of this sad-ass world. Then there's the Lifetime channel where women with low self esteem go to submerge their sick psyches into preposterous stories about betrayal and family horror. Whining, crying, ball-busting bitches all over America are making those fucking Reptilians stronger and stronger whenever they cry and hate and and point their fingers and accuse all those nasty pricks who did all those horrible things to all those innocent "women's women". Lez Bud wannbes, if you ask me. Innocent, my ass. Then they watch that fucking Bridezillas show on the We channel. No wonder American women are so fucked up. They watch too much TV. The only channel that compares to Lifetime for snaring stupid man-hating bitches is USA. Couch potato hags all over America get their jollies when men go to the slammer. SLAM! Another hateful hag gets off.

But none of that sick shit's enough to make me watch that fucking G4, or Esquire, whenever they get around to changing the name. Most American men watch shit on TV that I have no interest in. Being a big fucking deal. Treating women like meat while pretending to be God's gift to women. What shit. Being the best at anything and everything. Not caring about anything, as if that bullshit trait is a fucking virtue. Not shaving, not bathing and wearing dark-ass, bad-ass clothes that supposedly puts all the young bitches in heat (and the homos) and all the regular men on edge with jealousy. Christ, Ron, what a bunch of fucking crap. Isn't it, now? Yeah, like hunting deer on OLN while dressed up in those stupid Ghillie suits that make them look like goofy, fool-ass morons. They look like two-legged porcupines for Trick-Or-Treat. Or else cheesy, cornball aliens from the old Star Trek TV show. They look like fucking idiots. Or else they're watching yet another flock of NASCAR whore cars go around in a circle for hours. No wonder American men are so brain dead. But those shitty "men's channels" are still better than AMC. At least most of the shows on Esquire (G4), OLN and Speed are about living people, not the fucking dead. Jesus.  

Yo, Ron. Say high to all those snooping pricks and bitches on the dark side of the moon. You know how to do say "hi" don't you, Ron? Just go outside and point your middle finger up at the sky. There you go. Yeah, yeah, you're Ronnie 3 now but only to yourself. Think you can remember that? One more thing: let's not forget the memory of our poor little calico cats. Those Google Adsense pricks will tear each other new assholes scrambling for the right cat ad to tack onto our Gmail messages. Did I ever tell you that I stopped using Adsense when they started running video gaming ads on my blog that said "Join the Orgy Now"? No fucking lie. This world is a goner. The Reptilian thing might be true. That's right, that orgy cartoon shit grossed me out. Grossed me right out. But, oh yeah, I left my cat's pooped and peed litter box in the hall closet. Every time I open that stinking closet door it reminds me of how glad I am the little fucker's dead.

Ted

(Yeah, Ronnie, I'm still Ted, not Ted 1 or Ted 2. I'm the only goddamn fucking Ted you need to worry about. Or else start worrying about that goddamn Wiffle Ball bat with your name on it. All right, then. And, no, nobody knows we really don't have calico cats. Mine's a big-ass orange-and-white and yours is a little gray tiger-stripe. And they're both doing just fine. But keep that shit to yourself because we're mucking with "The G" here.)

You're not alone. Eddie Snowden snowed us too.

OK, so we were wrong. We caught Ed Snowden fever, that's all.

When Ronnie and I finally pulled our heads out of our own asses we realized that this Snowden shithead is just another one of those amoral freaks who was raised on the free-for-all Internet and who think they have a right to invade anyone's personal space and jeopardize other people's safety and security but, by Christ, they think it's a fucking crime when the government does it to preserve the safety and security of American citizens. Hey, Snowden, you little prick, can you spell "hypocrite" or do you need an acronym hint?

The NSA and PRISM are "the good guys", you stupid fucking shits, working to preserve peace while glory-hog fuckheads from Anonymous and Wikileaks and criminals like Edward Snowden think their personally identifiable information is sacred but not anybody else's. These cocksuckers duped you, you stupid fucks, and they duped Ronnie and me, too. And you fuckers will pay for that. The legal way. Not by the cowardly, hit-and-run, tactics you pussies use. You fucking "heroes" aren't doing anything but putting good Americans in jeopardy while pretending to be one of us. In your dreams.

The Latest Revolting Developments

Ted The Email Snoop Dog

They control the vertical. They control the horizontal. They control the bandwidth. So they say. But, hey, I might be a ticked-off old lub from Appalachia but I know how to reach out into cyberspace and grab some goodies myself. So I do.

You bet I did because everybody's doing it. So, yeah, check this goddamn shit out. I cyber-nabbed a really dumb-ass but potentially suspicious-looking email message and its subsequent reply the other day and I want to share it with the world because my snoop doggie dogshit might go fucking viral and then I could be rolling in dough.

At the very least, I might earn enough snoop money from Uncle Sam's taxpayers to buy myself what every male on this fucking planet seems to want: fancy clothes, fast cars, hotel rooms and whores. So, if you even think about claiming these two pirated emails as your own snoopy dog shit I'll find you and hit you in your thievin', fuckin' head. As you can clearly see, time (e.g. post dates and post times) means nothing because everything in the universe is actually taking place at the same time. Trust me.

So, yeah, check this shit out, will ya? Christ, ol' Snoop Dog Bama and all those Jon Voight and Jack Black types at the NSA must be shitting in their goddamn fucking pants with lyin'-ass-dog anticipation. The Big 9 TechShit Firms (AOL, Apple, Facebook, Google, Microsoft, PalTalk, Skype, Yahoo and YouTube) are all frantically denying any involvement in PRISM, just like the lying-ass snoop dogs they've always been.

Names and email addresses were withheld for security reasons. And if you believe that I'll tell you another one.

The originating email message:

Jesus, Mike, Ronnie it looks like ol' Jon Voight won! Those NSA cocksuckers (hi, guys) have been reading our email and going through our phone records like queer sailors on a three-day drunk. Fuck them, I say. You're the only person I ever send and receive email from and you're ME! Oh, Jesus, Frank Burns, do you think the principal SAW us?

Poor ol' Ed Snowden will be up to his ankles in his own piss and blood when the jack-booted thugs those NSA ass worms use against us U.S. citizens break down his hotel door in Hong Kong and whisk him off to Cairo. If you can believe anything a former CIA tekkie says.

Mike, Ronnie you can bet your sweet ass that the ol' NSA poop dogs will do their dirty work just like The Pennsylvania State Police troopers do their highway patrolling. They'll let all the really bad people go by them at a bazillion miles-per-hour, toting all kinds of bad shit between L.A. and New York (and back) and then they'll come down way too hard on ol' mom and pop dragging their tired asses home from work a mile over the speed limit in their rusty Chevy. 

Nothing ever changes on planet Earth because there is no god and never was and never will be. Just celestials, midwayers, those Illuminati shitheads in their Armani suits and seven billion fuckheads who only care about themselves. Why don't we fit it?

When you figure that out, you old geezer, drop me a line. Be sure to say hi to the NSA-ers. By the way, the calico cat died and I need Purina chow to look at for some boo-hoo Hallmark memories. Bye.

Best reagrds,

You

The reply:

Christ, Mike, Ronnie you know I don't know nothin'. But my guess is that we don't fit in down here because our link to the real powers-that-be goes way beyond Earth's stinking stratosphere. You know we're the spotters for King Karma here. Judgment day is just around the corner but we won't be here. I've got this little condo on Uranus if you're interested.

Christ in a can, I'd rather be anyplace else. Even on Uranus, where Nuns bowling for dollars and Senator Tossing is illegal but the hottest sport in town because of all the illegal sports betting. Oh, yeah, my calico cat died too and I had to watch Little House on the Prairie on Hallmark for two hours and not cry before I got over it. No Google Adsense pussycat ads this time around, either. I think they gave up on us. Say hi to those queers and lesbians who run things your way if you can get past their fucking stench.

Here's looking up your old address. Or, better yet, I'll just let ol' Google Puss hand it over to the NSA so they can all get free blowjobs from each other at the LAX Marriott in exchange for their highly popular bad-boy treason shit. Say, isn't that where that liberal-ass Hollywood turd Bob De Niro capped that fake-o, macho, haired-up homo hit man?

Bye,

You

Jesus, I wonder who these two jaspers are and why they think they're each other. Not to worry, though. Gene Hackman and Will Smith will straighten everything out for us and then we'll all be just as snug as a bunch of bugs in a rug. So we think.